“C”

“C” is for crutch. Almost everything taken for granted is a crutch. These are the things that make life easier but are not necessary. There is a great book titled “The Things They Carried” by Tim O’ Brien. It as an anthropological look into what soldiers during the Viet Nam War carried with them, physically and mentally. It gives insight on to what a soldier will bring from home, to provide comfort during the moments when mental escape is necessary. These things are a crutch. They enable a soldier to keep moving when they would otherwise be immobilized.

I have a few crutches with me. There is a brightly colored bear on my bed. It was given to me by my oldest stepdaughter. It is a substitute for my rat (A poor substitute as the bear does not snore or have gas that would make a nun swear). I also have a binder from my younger step daughter with some art and poems, which she gave me right before I left. I only recently found out that she writes poetry. There is of course my computer, which allows me some contact with my assassin. It has a few games on it, which are really distractions and there are movies, too.

As I said, they are not necessary, these crutches. In fact, I could make it through a deployment without them. But why not have something that aides in making it through to the next day. It is good to have a distraction from reality, when that reality is more real than I would like.

“B”

“B” is for bond. It is the tie we make with those who share experiences. It is more than a common friendship, it is a connection to another human who has shared the “Suck”.

There is a bond between myself and those with whom I currently serve. We are all in it together. It is a link that requires little to be said about how we are doing. All I have to do is look in their eyes and I can see if it is a good day or a bad day. It lets me know when to take a few minutes to listen to what they need to say, when they have something to get off their chest. I let the soldiers around me vent, because doing so may be what they need to get back in the game and stay there. This is what a “battle” does; he watches your back. I don’t care about rank or position, when it comes to letting a soldier vent about what is f***ed up. It doesn’t matter how screwed up a situation is, and sometimes it is not something that can be fixed, but the soldier can get back in and continue to attack their task with the required tenacity he/ she needs.

There is also the bond with home. It is constantly under stress. Am I saying enough? Am I saying too much? If it survives a hardship, the stress may indeed strengthen it. It is there, though. Home is not the reason I do what I do; My need for adventure and my wanderlust are all the reason I will ever need to do this job. The bond is my reason to return.

Finally, there is the bond with the past. I get a taste of what every soldier has endured, throughout history. I can relate, on some level, to every generation of warrior from recent past to ancient Sparta.They are my brothers in arms. I have shared in a struggle as old as humankind; The drive to dominate vs. the will to live free.

“A”

“A” is for Away. There is much to be said about travel, and even more advice. There is, however, little said about how to handle the flood of emotions that overwhelm you, when you leave home for a foreign land and realize that it will be a long time before you return. I do not show emotion well, so I try not to show it at all, and instead remain stoic.

 There are always the last minute things that I want to do, simply because it will not be posible to do them for some time. Everything from going shopping with my younger step daughter, to help her find an outfit for no particular reason or because I have incredible taste in teen aged / young women’s clothes (I don’t understand how I ended up with that as a talent), to just sitting with my “rat” in my lap. Suddenly, the task of playing Guitar Hero, which is a task because I was not given rhythm as a gift, is something I realize I will miss.  Not because I dream of becoming a rock star, but because it is something that my oldest stepdaughter enjoys and I will not be able to rock out with her, long distance.  Or like talking to my stepson on the phone and letting him know I miss him and wish he was in the same state so I would have a work out partner.

There are also the things that I realize I must do, because no one else can do them like they need to be done.  Things like hold my wife and reassure her that she is fully capable of handling anything that can happen while I am away.  Telling her that I love her and that I did not drag her away from her home of eighteen years on a whim.  I say them in my head, at least.  That counts, right?

Then, there are the things I wish I had time to do, but didn’t, because the call to go got moved back two days.  I usually realize what things these are after I have already left. Vehicle maintenance, cleaning up the storage room, etc…

 In no time at all, that life is all part of the past.  It is now something wholly separate than the reality I now face day in and day out.  I am boots on the ground, on the opposite side of the earth for the next year or so.  There will be a gap in my family’s collective memory.  We will share experiences over the Internet and through our writing, but they will not be lived together.

I am away.